Been looking at this tunnel for months now. This year hasn’t been the best, but I really can’t gripe much, because it could be worse. Yes, things can get worse. I’ve had those years too. It’s been a while since I felt like pieces of the sky were falling, and hitting my head, but this year has taught me that it is time to bring out the safety helmet before the next piece of sky whacks me.
I don’t mean to sound negative, and I am sure that there are plenty of oh woe is me blogs out there, and I am really not that type of person. Mostly I’ve been numb and just not dwelling on this cancer in my breast. I am good at avoiding stuff. When things get tough, I have a knack for just not thinking about a problem if there is nothing I can do about it. I have to say, this problem has given me pause though. Time to think about where my life is, where I want it to go, and things I haven’t done that I want to do. We all think about things that way sometimes, right? I mean, I know I can’t be the only person who has felt these things.
I feel like I have kind of skipped all those stages of grief that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about, and just went straight to numb. As numb as the armpit and shoulder where the lymph node was removed. I’m glad for small things, like finding out this cancer has a 94%ish cure rate, and that the lymph node was negative. It almost makes me feel ashamed for feeling this numbness. But it is there, and I can’t make it go away, so I am focusing now on the light at the end of the tunnel. And allowing myself to be numb for the moment. Thinking as I watch the clock tick away and the hours go by until this next surgery later this morning to remove the cancer cells that were missed, and that the tissue biopsy revealed.
So I look at Goliath and wonder what it will be like to have a breast with a crater in it, dread being put to sleep and the loss of control over my own body, dread the discomfort and pain afterward because I am so effing ready to be well again, and not this recovering surgery patient. I want my effing life back, things back to normal. I have SHIT TO DO.
So, hurry up sunrise, and let’s get this show on the road. I have a life to live.
|the light at the end of the tunnel|
My parting shot is a favorite Pink song, that exactly fits my mood right now…(alert, explicit language)…
…life is good, dammit, so raise your glass!!… ~cath
i am @jonesbabie on twitter